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Have you experienced times when being thankful was really hard? I have. I’ve gone through difficult times when it’s hard to think about anybody but myself. One thing that helps me, though, is recognizing that I’m not alone and that others have gone through similar difficulties. In fact, many have gone through far worse than I. And that brings me to my mom.

She has taught English as a second langugage (ESL) for nearly 20 years. Most of that time was spent teaching in high school. During that time she has taught political refugees from all over the world, undocumented immigrants and even American kids. Some of the life stories her students have shared with her are truly extraordinary. I’m going to share some of them with you today. They are all true, and some very sad. But please read them all as they really put thankfulness into perspective. I should warn you that some of these stories are very painful to read. But so that we end on a positive note, I’ve saved a really inspirational story for last.

Read the rest

Six years ago today the world changed forever. I vividly remember where I was when I first heard the news. Living close to the pentagon and having friends and family who work there, the day took on a special significance for me. One thing that 9-11 created was heroes. Firefighters, police, military, politicians, and just regular folk. What I saw that day and since are people who, when danger came, ran head first TOWARD the danger, first to help the hurting and then to fight the enemy. Amidst all the political maneuvering over the war in Iraq, I think we sometimes lose sight of these heroes. So I’d like to tell you about one of them.

At the time of 9-11 he was a retired marine. He had served in the marines as a Blackhawk pilot. He is married with three children. When we went into Iraq, he chose to come out of retirement and deploy to the Middle East for six months to help train pilots. He did this voluntarily, of course, as so many have. He called me late on the evening before his deployment and asked if he could stop by to discuss his will. Of course he could, I said, and so we sat at my kitchen table late that evening looking over his will and discussing the possibility that nobody likes to talk about. I remember looking into his eyes and seeing resolve, determination, loyalty, duty and courage. I helped him with his will, we shook hands, and he left.

So often when we hear a story like this we expect it to end badly. Fortunately, it didn’t. He deployed for six months and then returned safely to his family. But his sacrifice, and his family’s sacrifice, made me look at my life and the freedom we enjoy a little differently. It made the inconveniences on the subway each morning seem a little less inconvenient. And it made me appreciate that much more the time I have with my wife and my children.

So today I salute this hero and all the heroes that, when danger came, ran with all their energy and strength toward the danger, not from it.

I love stories about people who didn’t give up. Miles Levin is such a story. Stories of perseverance help to motivate us in all aspects of our life, including our financial lives. But how do we teach perseverance to our kids? That was my challenge this weekend when my son was trying to solve a difficult math problem.

Using the numbers 1 through 9 in order, construct a math problem that equals 100.

Simple enough, right? If you can add, subtract, multiply and divide, you can solve this problem. When the answer didn’t come easily to him, he wanted to give up. But through encouragement (ok, and some threats, too), he worked through the problem and solved it. I told him that life is a series of problems, just like this one. And at each step in life, you have a choice–give up or keep trying. And we answer that question every day, whether we realize it or not.

So can you solve the math problem? Leave a comment if you think you’ve got the answer. Oh, and here’s a hint: You can use parentheses to change the order of operation.

It’s been said that money is the #1 cause of divorce. Or to say it another way–Marriage is about love, divorce is about money. To that we may add that money is the #1 cause of turmoil in a marriage. Strife over money can last years in a marriage if not properly addressed, and short of divorce, can drive a wedge between a husband and wife . This doesn’t have to be, and so here are eight tips on fighting with your spouse over money:

1. Honestly examine your own attitudes about money: We all have different views and attitudes about money–how it should be spent, saved, given and so on. Before raising a difficult money issue with your spouse, honestly reexamine your approach and feelings about the issue. You may just find that you need to change as much or more than your spouse. And if not, it will better prepare you for an open-minded discussion when you do raise the issue.
2. Make sure you’ve identified the real issue: Is the problem that your spouse just bought a $20,000 bass boat, or that they will be spending more time on the lake than with the family (or both)? Sometimes our feelings can play tricks on us, so it’s important to make sure we know exactly what the problem is before trying to solve it. This process may take some time, so it may be days or even weeks before you raise the issue.
3. Consider the place and time of the money discussion: Money is a sensitive topic. Raising a difficult money issue as soon as your spouse walks in the door from a long day’s work or immediately after dealing with the kids is counter-productive. And raising the issue while the in-laws are in town is not a productive approach, either. If life is really crazy, agree in advance when you will sit down to discuss the money matter. Otherwise, try to pick a moment when there are no distractions and you have the time to give the matter the attention it deserves.
4. Be honest with your spouse: If after examining your thoughts and feelings on the matter you conclude that there is a serious money issue, keeping it bottled up inside will do you and your marriage no favors. Of course, I’m not talking here about marriages that involve severe physical or emotional abuse, where immediate intervention is required. But for most marriages, both healthy and not so healthy, discussions about how to handle money are an important part of the relationship. Such conversations may not always be pleasant, but the alternative is often a life of “quiet desperation.”
5. Listen to your spouse: Approaching these discussions with an open mind and a desire to fully understand your spouse’s perspective is critical and sometimes difficult. You’ve given the issue a lot of thought and are convinced that your spouse’s approach to the money issue is not in your family’s best interest. This makes it difficult to hear why the $20,000 bass boat was a good deal. And it gets even harder to listen if the bass boat is just one of many questionable purchases. Nevertheless, hearing what your spouse has to say is as important as him or her hearing you. In the words of Stephen Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “seek first to understand. . . then to be understood.”
6. Seek comprise where possible: Many discussions about money appear, at first, to be all or nothing. Either buy the new car, or don’t. Either remodel the kitchen, or don’t. Either go on an expensive vacation, or don’t. With some creative brain storming, however, you just might find common ground through compromise. It may not be the alternative you were hoping for, but marriage is a life-long series of give and take. So where it makes sense, seek compromise as a means to resolve the money issue. My wife and I did this with the purchase of our home four years ago. I did not want to offer the list price (which was then the only way we would get the home), but agreed to do so because of my wife’s willingness to make up the difference through some other financial choices she didn’t favor.
7. See the long term: Over the course of many years, our views about money change. I know my views and attitudes about money have changed dramatically in the last 20 years. The point is, it may take years for you and your spouse to align your views about money, and even then it likely won’t be a perfect alignment. Rome wasn’t conquered in a day, and most serious money issues aren’t either.
8. Seek help: Sometimes money issues become very serious. And the failure to communicate about these issues can indicate even more serious issues within a marriage. My point here is not to set off alarm bells if you and your spouse disagree over whether you should take your lunch to work or eat out. The point is, sometimes marriages need some professional help to get through a tough issue, and that issue might just be about money.

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Have I got a deal for you. Instead of paying the list price of $400,000 for that house you want to buy, you’ll pay $450,000. You’ll finance the entire purchase. The seller will give me the extra $50,000, which I’ll invest in one of my many businesses, such as automated teller machines, video advertising and other Web-based ventures. The profits will be enough not only to cover the mortgage, but to actually pay it off in five to seven years. At that time, you can either sell the home or refinance, and we will split the equity 50/50. So with nothing down, you’ll live mortgage free for five to seven years and walk away with 50% of the home’s equity. Oh, and I’ll also donate some of the money to charity, too.

Are you being conned? This is exactly what a company called Metro Dream Homes is offering in the Washington, D.C. area, according to Elizabeth Razzi of The Washington Post in an article entitled, Something for Nothing Home Deals. I’ll leave it to you to decide if the deal is legit. As for being conned, here are 10 ways to instantly spot a swindle:

1. Common Sense: Many cons just don’t pass the laugh test. At 6.5% interest on a 30 year note, the principal and interest of a $450,000 loan will set you back more than $2,800 per month. Add to that insurance and taxes, and there is no way the income from a $50,000 investment will cover the mortgage, much less pay it off in five to seven years.
2. Pressure: Many cons use pressure to get you to part with your cash. Sometimes it takes the form of a limited time offer, other times the con artist will tell you the opportunity is available to only a limited number of participants. Whatever the pitch, the goal is to move you to a quick decision now and to prevent you from thinking about the deal or seeking the advice of your spouse, other relatives or friends.
3. Get Rich Quick: Many cons work because of the victim’s own greed. We all want to make money, and the sooner the better. But get rich quick schemes usually only work for the person who’s peddling the scheme. This is a common theme in real estate, which seems to attract those who promise real estate riches with no money down in just a few months or years.
4. Fear of a Missed Opportunity: The fear of a missed financial opportunity can be a powerful emotion. And con artists know this and use it to their advantage. If you sense this emotion in you, alarm bells should be sounding.
5. Unanswered Questions: Particularly when a lot of money is involved, you should be asking a lot of detailed questions. You should also be seeking verification of the answers to the important questions. In the case of Metro Dream Homes, for example, I wonder if participants have asked for audited financial statements of the businesses that supposedly will generate enough profit to pay the mortgage. The point is, if the person you’re dealing with won’t give you straight, verifiable answers, there’s a problem.
6. New Friends: New friends or acquaintances who immediately begin a sales pitch should raise significant questions. This often happens in churches and other religious settings where we tend to let down our guard. In some cases, the individual is involved in a multi-layer marketing program which may or may not be legitimate. But when new friends are too friendly and asking for your money, put your guard up.
7. Requests for Help: Unfortunately, requests for help from strangers or new friends are frequently part of a scam. Now I’m not talking about someone asking for a few dollars. Often the request is to pay for medical costs of a sick loved one or some other seemingly benevolent need. To distinguish the real needs from the schemes, you must verify the information you’ve been given.
8. Requests for Personal Information: This is simple–don’t give to strangers your personal information, such as your social security number, mother’s maiden name or your birth date. And if you receive an e-mail from what looks like your bank asking for such information, you know instantly it’s a scam. Your bank will never ask for this information in an e-mail because your bank already has this information.
9. Secret Information: Many cons work because the victim is convinced that he or she has been given valuable information that others don’t have. This is a common theme in frauds involving hot stock tips or other investments. Your first reaction may be to question why the con artist is giving you this information, rather than taking advantage of it himself. A con artist will always have an answer to this question. It may be that he likes helping other people or that he’s only letting you in on the deal, nobody else. In fact, his answer to your question is generally designed to make him look better (I like helping others) or you feel special (you’re the only one I’m telling).
10. Cash Only: Many cons involve cash only, including wire transfers. One such con is where the con artist over pays for something (like the first month’s rent) by money order, asking you to wire the difference back to him (often for traveling money because he’s moving from another country). The money order turns out to be fake, which your bank doesn’t learn until many days after you’ve deposited the check. By then, however, the wire transfer has been processed and you’ve just been scammed.

Anybody can be conned under the right circumstances, even a con artist. But looking for one or more of these indicators will go a long way in spotting the con before it’s too late.

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