Welcome to the first Dough Roller Presidential Debate, sponsored by the Carnival of Money Stories. This edition of the Carnival of Money Stories picks up where the recent YouTube Presidential Debate left off. Tonight’s format includes candidates from both parties and focuses exclusively on the subject of personal finance and fiscal policy as told through money stories, of course. Our host tonight is the Dough Roller, who hails from our nation’s capital. The only rules the candidates must observe are no kicking, biting or scratching. Let’s roll:
Senator McCain: Well Dough, there is a very simple solution that has been overlooked by the current administration as well as the other presidential candidates from both parties. I would transfer the national debt to 0% credit cards. The country would save billions in interest payments.
Dough Roller: Nice! Senator Clinton, what do you think?
Senator Clinton: I think 0% credit card balance transfers is a stupid idea. With our country’s credit, we’d never qualify. The first thing I’d do as President is follow the advice in Adventures in Credit Repair (@ Riley Central) and Finding Real Estate Business Opportunities By Establishing Good Credit (@ Write to Right Your Business Opportunity) to fix the country’s credit.
Mayor Giuliani: You’ve both got it all wrong. Credit is what got us into this mess. What we need is more revenue without higher taxes. The solution is simple–blogging. Any moron can blog (no offense, Dough), and I would start a White House blog to generate enough money to make up the current deficit following the good advice and experience in The Ups and Downs of Amateur Blogging (@ Grad Money Matters) and Summer Debt Disappointment (@ Stop the Ride!).
Dough Roller: Making several hundred billion dollars a year blogging. Sweet! Let me know how that works out for you.
Senator Edwards: Dough, none of these gimmicks will work. What our country needs is to establish some sound financial habits and stick with them. It’s Hard Without Habits–July Cash Experiment Update (@ The Happy Rock) explains just how difficult finances can be without habits. And Step one to getting rid of debt (@ How I Save Money) is to visualize the debt. So I’d prepare an Excel Spreadsheet of our country’s debt. And if that doesn’t work, Make Money Online: Making Dates (@ Online-ebiz) describes how we could make millions of dollars with an online dating service. How cool is that?
Dough Roller: Way cool, Senator Edwards, way cool.
Senator Thompson: I follow The Confiscated ATM Card Theory of Feelin’ Poor (@ Money Changes Things). Politicians have been treating the people like they are one giant ATM. Take away the government’s ATM card, and the deficit will take care of itself.
Senator Thompson: As an actor, it should come as no surprise that I get all of my financial advice from the movies. In fact, much of my fiscal policy as President would come from the recent movie, Transformers. You can check out more details in Money Lessons from Transformers movie (@ KCLau’s Money Tips), but I’m telling you, the financial advice is excellent. By the way, I call my fiscal program, “Transforming America’s Finances with the Transformers!”
Senator Clinton: Another actor as President getting his fiscal policy from Hollywood–that’s exactly what we don’t need. Dough, all I ever needed to know about personal finance I learned on the school bus–Just Do It (@ INTJ Personal Development) is my financial motto.
Senator Obama: Hollywood? School buses? My financial education came from Harvard, although I learned more between classes than I did in class because The Best of College Learning May Be Outside the Classroom (@ Free Money Finance).
Dough Roller: Senator Edwards, where did you learn about money?
Senator Edwards: I attended the School of Hard Knocks. After winning and then losing the last election, I was out of a job. I call that The Layoff–How An Emergency Fund Is Going To Help A Member Of My Family (@ My Two Dollars). I don’t know what I would have done without that $100 million emergency fund of mine. Remember, you always have to ask, What’s Your Back-Up Plan? (@ Sushi Money)
Dough Roller: Speaking of your emergency fund, how is the 20,000 square foot mansion you’re building coming along?
Senator McCain: If we could get back to the topic at hand. I get much of my financial wisdom from God, who has helped me go From Debt to Financial Freedom (@ Christianity With Purpose).
Senator Obama: The youth are the future of this great country, and some of the greatest minds shaping tomorrow are still in high school and college. I salute 5 Of The Youngest Entrepreneurs On Their Path To Success And Riches (@ The Digerati Life).
Dough Roller: Senator McCain, as one of the oldest candidates for the Presidency, how important do you believe experience is?
Senator McCain: It’s critical. In fact, some of the best lessons I every learned came from Lessons From My Grandfather in the Garden (@ The Simple Dollar). My grandfather also taught me about Retirement–The Real Cost of Procrastination (@ Wealth Building World). He would have been a great President.
Dough Roller: Senator Clinton, from where do you get your financial experience?
Senator Clinton: I get much of my financial experience from the hard working people of this great country. Just the other day I read how a Baby Stepper Shares Her Journey Towards Financial Independence (@ Millionaire Mommy Next Door).
Senator Edwards: Let me first stress how important health insurance is, because you never know what life may have in store for you. If you don’t believe me, check out Money, Honey, Part 2: Never Assume. . . (@ The Dragon Slayer’s Guide to Life). In terms of affording the cost of health insurance, that’s the easy part. I would implement a plan to delay expense reimbursements for all government employees. Work Related Expenses–Money Out of Your Pocket (@ Money and Such) would be money in the government’s pocket.
Dough Roller: Mayor Giuliani, do you believe defrauding the country’s civil servants would generate enough income to pay for health insurance for every man, woman and child in America?
Mayor Giuliani: Of course not, and I’d never condone such a scheme. The way to pay for health insurance is to round up all the toy collectors, take their toys, and sell them (the toys, not the collectors). This would have the added benefit of getting rid of clutter as Sleeping With Money: I Was Mean To A Toy Collector (@ Queercents) explains.
Dough Roller: If we rounded up all the toy collectors and took their toys, who would we sell them (the toys, not the collectors) to? Oh, never mind. Senator Obama, the immigration issue has been in the forefront of political debate over the last several years. How would you address this issue in a cost effective manner if you were elected as our next President?
Senator Obama: Immigration is a very important issue that must be addressed now. My solution involves what I like to call reverse immigration–let’s move to Mexico! It’s a beautiful country with affordable housing, and you can read all about it in Buying Pre-construction Properties In Baja Mexico (@ Adventures in Money Making).
Dough Roller: Senator Clinton, if you are elected as our next President, what role in the White House do you have planned for your husband?
Senator Clinton: I’ve given that a lot of thought, and I intend to appoint Bill to be our next Ambassador to Iran. I’ve even sent him information on How I Save Money in Air Travel (@ MoneyNing) to prepare him for the trip.
Dough Roller: Senator, we don’t have an Ambassador in Iran and travel to that country could be extremely dangerous.
Senator Clinton: Yes, I know, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Dough Roller: With that the first Dough Roller Debate comes to an end. I’d like to thank. . .
Senator Biden: [Just arriving] I’m sorry I’m late, but my alarm clock didn’t go off. Is there time for one or two more questions?
Dough Roller: Oh, I’m sorry Senator Biden. Talk about one of your more Costliest Mistakes (@ Stingy Students). As I was saying, thanks to the candidates for participating in tonight’s debate. And to all, this is the Dough Roller saying, Good Night, and Good Fortunes.